Today is World Mental Health Day! A day where we break all stigmas surrounding mental health. A day where we teach, inspire and reach out to each other to celebrate one beautiful thing: That we are all vulnerable. And not only is that okay, but it is something beautiful because it proves our humanness. It…
Source: World Mental Health Day And 5 Powerful Steps To Help Your Mental Health
Today my daddy would have been 81 had he not passed. My father was not like many fathers he wasn’t even in my life for a large part of it. He was still my daddy. When he did come back into my life he helped me with my daughter as I was a single mother and he was a good ‘Pops’ as my daughter called him. He would make her and her friends fresh French fries after school most days. He isolated himself in his room as he didn’t want to be a bother. Used to drive me crazy. I wasn’t ashamed of him and I don’t ever remember feeling he didn’t love me. Just shit happens and you move on. He had been diagnosed with cancer in April 2010 and passed from Pneumoia in August 2010. Hard way to go but he didn’t have the struggle of cancer so I guess it was better. Only the big guy knows I suppose.
I fell a week ago this past Tuesday and bruised my hip bone. WTF? Like I didn’t have enough to be depressed about I go and hurt myself and can barely walk. Seriously? This too shall pass? When? I guess better me than someone that can’t handle it. Chronic pain seems to have become my friend. NOT! But I’m still alive to bitch about it so its a good day!
Love to all….
I’ve been wondering when I turned right when I should have turned left? When I looked down when I should have looked up? When I sat down when I should have stood up? My point how did I get to where I am today?
I’ve never wanted much out of my life. I don’t need a lot of money. Just wanted to make a decent living. Be able to buy groceries, go on a vacation once in a while. Nothing to exciting. I took one vacation in 18 years and that was paid for from a friend. My health has slowly gone down hill and I just wonder why? I am far from perfect but for the most part I have led my life in a good manner. When I was healthier I use to volunteer all the time. Now I can’t even do that. I do transport rescue dogs but even that wears me out.
I’m trying real hard to see what the lesson is here. My Tennessee bestie thinks maybe all those I went into auto pilot to help needed to pick up their own lives. Maybe? Giving feels good, makes me happy. At least it use to. I just don’t have much to give anymore. I’m broken, spent, put a fork in me I’m done. I am so very tired of fighting illnesses. I would love to be someone who has courage to face their crap head on but Chronic Pain is wearing me out, Depression is wearing on me, Anxiety its all very exhausting. I’m just so tired of fighting.
No I’m not going to do anything stupid, just venting mainly!
Love to all…..
Well I haven’t been here in some time now. Just been doing a whole lot of nothingness. Trying to feel better and over all the rest has helped. To bad on a scale from 1-10 where 10 in most painful, I run a steady 7/8 on a daily. So last night I was getting Prince from mother since her girlfriends were here to pick her up and I was giving her her purse; through that transaction I managed to do a nose dive off the second step. Skinned my elbow and of course the rest of my body went all sorts of ways. I am sure if was a funny sight yet pretty painful today. To top it off its 34* which makes all my bones ache so yay me! Thank God Jake’s still walking Prince 30 minutes each day it has been awesome having him walk a mile each day. He’s a little calmer now and sleeps through the night more. Not having to get up 3/4 times a night to take out and potty is a wonderful thing.
So we’re coming up on Thanksgiving and I have loads to be thankful for but I feel like all I do is whine and bitch. Chronic Pain, Depression, Anxiety, etc. put such a strain on our bodies and there is the acting like everything is fine when we are with others is frankly exhausting. I’m sure many can feel me on this one. I have a roof over my head, great family and friends, but I don’t know if they know how much I truly appreciate them. Most times food in my stomach there are many things to be grateful for. Heck I keep waking up that great I suppose. Not to convencing am I? That’s cause I pray God will take me home and put me out of this misery. Guessin I’m not done doing whatever it is I am supposed to do yet.
Then there’s Christmas that used to be a great holiday but disability pay barely pays my bills let alone get gifts for grand-kids. We usually make it work but just wish I could figure out why I am here and what is it I am supposed to be doing with my life. Guess that’s it for now.
Love to all…
So I haven’t written in sometime now. I wish I could say it was because I was attending all these holiday parties and making memories with friends but not so much. Still getting out for the have to appointments. Doc, fuel, etc. I can say I had an enjoyable Christmas Eve at my daughter’s church and then dinner and gifts at her place afterwards. Of course I had to take anxiety pills prior but it worked got me through it. Spent Christmas day with old friends that I thought would be more uncomfortable than it was. Had a few different walks down memory lane which was cool since I have forgotten so much. Ate, laughed made a new bestie with a five-year old. Haven’t had that much fun in a while playing with her and taking selfies with her, she was just too darn adorable as was her sister but sis was a bit quieter.
So I tried to get a script filled at CVS and even though there was a date on it from the doctor they said it was too early. I’m like you don’t understand this is my pain-killer I will be without if you don’t fill it. They don’t care so-called federal guidelines. So I left and had Kroger fill it they were much nicer but I had forgotten my license at CVS. Thank goodness I have a state photo ID. But then I forgot all about not having my license until today. I called CVS to make sure that, that indeed was where I had left it and it was. So I swing by to pick it up and the conversation goes something like this:
Me: The computer does save our information right? It doesn’t just drop it after we pick up our scripts.
Gal at window: Yes
Me: Then why when you all realized I had left my license with you didn’t someone look up my phone number and call me to let me know?
Gal at window: I don’t know
Me: I was just curious as for me that wasn’t very customer service friendly. Not your fault but pretty sad.
Gal at window: I’m sorry.
Me: It wasn’t your fault just sad.
Now I had come in on Friday to just put it in to get it in so they would fill it and they did whatever they do in the computer and said they can’t fill it until the 26th. I’m aggravated but take my script back and say ok. I go in on Monday when I think I can get it filled and they play with the computer and say they can’t fill it until today. Why didn’t they tell me this on Friday. I’m not happy with CVS and don’t plan to go back unless I get a med change and they are the only place that has it but believe you me I will check ALL other options before I go there again. Now am I out of line? I am usually not confrontational and I was polite as I was speaking with this poor gal at the window with fear in her eyes. I guess I worked in customer service for far to many years to not understand the way they do things.
Needless to say I was in bed most of today from being out Saturday, Sunday and Monday. I was exhausted, in pain, overwhelmed, depressed of course just bed was where I stayed. So my car was totaled on December 4th still dealing with that of course. It’s was not worth what I owed on it so not sure if I am even going to get another car. Mom’s been letting me use hers. Not like I must have one and I could pay off some bills without paying for car insurance and refinancing what I owed on my car my payment would go down there too. I don’t know time will tell. I so don’t have the energy to deal with car dealerships and sales people.
I’ve been whittling away at my room trying to get it in some order. Just can only do bits at a time no energy for that either but when I do get something done I do feel like I have accomplished something so that’s good I guess.
A dear friend came over tonight just needing to talk. Made me feel good as I feel useless most days. Got me out of my own head and knowing she trust me meant a great deal as well. 2016 is coming to an end and I sure hope 2017 is much better for everyone as it seems to have taken it’s toll on many I know, myself included.
I guess that’s it for my rant for today. If this helps someone that’s great if not I’m sorry.
Love in friendship to all….
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I turn 53 in 11 days. Is my life where I thought it would be? Definitely not. Although I never thought I would live to see 35. When I made it through that mildstone I was pretty shocked. I don’t really know why I didn’t think I would make it past 35 just had always had the feeling I wouldn’t. I definitely never thought I would be sitting at 52 on disability for Depression and Anxiety. No one plans it and it is so hard to explain to people. I would love to just get over it. I would love to just keep pushing through. I did that for years and finally broke. I am feeling so broken. I feel joy when I am transporting rescue dogs. I have good days and bad days but I have so much fear I cannot seem to address. It is so very frustrating. I wish people could understand it’s not something you can just get over. I have just gotten over or past a whole lot in this life and now here I am not the person I used to be hardly able to do what I used to love. I use to love people. Love meeting new people, interacting with people, now I am just a shell of the person I use to be.
Love to all….<3
I haven’t been on for some time. I have had med changes and loads going on in my head that I cannot seem to put into words. My moods are all over the place. In one week I was complemented and dismissed hard. I want to express myself but I cannot seem to it is hard and frustrating. Hopefully more later…Love to all!
1/10/17 Have you ever wondered why you are here? Of course you have I haven’t meet anyone that hasn’t wondered that at least once in their lives. I have lived my entire life by going through the motions as to what happens and reacting to that. Get a job, do the job to the best of my ability move on whatever.
1/17/17 10:00am As you can see my brain got lost in thought and now I am back with mushy brain. Seems like I’m all over the place. Things going on around me or I should say in my life have been as stressful as ever. No car not a huge deal but frustrating. Have things going on I can’t talk about but I feel so helpless and that is more that frustrating. My grandson turned 11 yesterday and I struggled to get out of the house for his dinner celebration. I mean seriously can’t get out for my own grandson. Well of course I took my anxiety meds and all was ok just hate this. Feeling so helpless and not the me I used to be.
1/17/17 5:00pm I wish I could finish a thought or two thoughts. It seems as though so much is going on and then something else happens. I keep thinking I’m as broken as can be and one more thing is going to be that one thing that makes my head pop off. Today a few more things happened and my head is still in tact. I don’t know if it is my faith is growing or the same faith I have always had is holding me together but my head has not popped off. I say this somewhat jokingly but there have been days recently that I really didn’t think I could handle not one more thing and they just keep piling on. I mean seriously no more I can’t handle anything else.
Love to all….
So today I celebrate 19 years of sobriety. You would think that I would be elated and at some point I guess I am. The only thing I have been able to follow through with. Try to loose weight; fail. Try to quit smoking; fail. Try to do laundry and forget about it for days; fail. Try to keep a plant alive; fail. Started reading the bible, overwhelmed; fail. Trying to get my room in some sort of order, been working on it for months and months on end; fail. Started going to a church I really liked then bruised my hip, down for six weeks can’t seem to get back; fail. I guess my resolution for 2017 should be work on my follow through. Unfortunately it is not that easy. Even trying to use the ‘One day at a time’, ‘One moment at a time’, believe me it has worked keeping me sober but when I try it on other things I get distracted, interrupted or whatever and just can’t seem to follow through. Even when blogging; Prince will need to go outside and I will loose my train of thought and have to come back to it later or cut it short. Just trying to put my words in some sort of order that makes sense I stumble on most the time. Thus the reason I write like I talk. Not trying to impress anyone with a college talk just trying to be me the best I can. Warts and all. 🙂
I worry as coloring used to calm me down and as of late I haven’t even wanted to color. I try to read and I re-read the same sentence over and over and just stop. Getting in and taking a shower daily is even hard. Where did I go? What happened along the lines of life that brought me to where I sit today? My life isn’t any better or harder than anyone else’s. When did I become so weak? I know I am not giving myself enough credit I have had my fair share of crap happen but when I look at others that have so much more on their minds I think what a pussy you have become. I used to be able to fake it pretty darn well I guess after years of that it wears on ya.
I guess that’s it for now.
Love to all…
Support group for anxiety and depression 
